


Hands Around my Neck

by msinpinitu (Knaija)



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Strangling, Unrequited Crush, depressed sungyeol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 02:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6636553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knaija/pseuds/msinpinitu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He heard movement outside the door and pulled himself up to his knees as he turned around to place his ears on the door. He knew someone new had joined Myungsoo but he didn't need to hear a voice to know who it was. He'd spent the past two years attuning all his senses to that one person. He couldn't even help himself anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hands Around my Neck

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [InfiniteRarepairFicathon2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/InfiniteRarepairFicathon2016) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> sunggyu/anyone.
> 
> everything i gave to you was not all for you, it was just for me to feel nothing. everything that was given to you, that wasn’t love, i just wanted to believe that that we were in touch.  
> — sunggyu - 41 days

Sungyeol rubbed his wrist raw, sitting on the bathroom floor where he'd been left for the past half hour. He leaned on the door as he stared at his wounded writs were he'd been curled up for most of the night. He sniffed, cleaning his eyes as the door knob rattled above his head. Sungyeol shut his eyes in anguish.

"Yeolie?" Myungsoo whispered. "Open the door."

"He did it wrong." Sungyeol whispered as he turned his to the door, hoping Myungsoo could hear him so he wouldn't have to shout.

"Yeolie, can you hear me? It's Myungsoo."

Sungyeol shook his head, refusing to move. No one would understand. None of them did. He was not exactly one to complain and he knew that if he ever did complain, a few things were going to change. And change? That was one thing he did not need right now. He was fine with everything. He was not going to complain.

Myungsoo knocked again.

Sungyeol pulled his sweater down, covering his wrists with the sleaves. The bathroom was anything but roomie, but being as lean and foldy as he was, Sungyeol was able to sit on the floor without being one with the sink or the toilet bowl. But that did not mean he was excused from the smell of a shared bathroom. 

He heard movement outside the door and pulled himself up to his knees as he turned around to place his ears on the door. He knew someone new had joined Myungsoo but he didn't need to hear a voice to know who it was. He'd spent the past two years attuning all his senses to that one person. He couldn't even help himself anymore. He'd tried, in the beginning. After that one day when he'd been in a fight and gotten held down till he submitted. Sungyeol had gone away from that fight confused and hurt and bruised. And two weeks later, he'd accepted his obsession.

"What is it?" Sunggyu asked, his voice muffled by the bathroom door. "Is he still in there?"

Myungsoo must have nodded, because Sunggyu continued to speak.

"Sungyeol, you can come out now." Sunggyu said, softly and Sungyeol was on his feet before he could even know. 

He opened the door and before him, stood a sleepy Sunggyu and a worried Myungsoo, both of whom looked at him in a way he didn't like. In his haste to obey Sunggyu, he'd forgotten his wrists till he saw Sunggyu's eyes zero in on them as a frown graced his features. Sungyeol wrenched his hand away and tried to walk past the two of them but Sunggyu took him by the arm.

"Soo, you can go back to bed." Sunggyu nodded at him. "We have schedules in three hours and you'll have to be awake in an hour and a half."

Sungyeol almost begged Myungsoo not to leave but Sunggyu was right there so that wasn't even an option. So he let his eyes fall to the ground as Myungsoo looked at him. Sighing, he turned and left them both. Sungyeol followed as Sunggyu led him to the kitchen where he plopped Sungyeol down on a stool.

"You'll drink cocoa with me." Sunggyu said.

"Yes, hyung."

He sat there as Sunggyu went about the kitchen, filling the kettle with water and pulling out two cups from the cabinet. As the water began to boil, he leaned on the counter and looked back at Sungyeol as he tried to shrink away.

"We're going to talk about it." Sunggyu said, sternly.

"Yes, hyung." Sungyeol said, clearing his throat of the bile that was rising.

"Talking would require you saying more than "Yes hyung", Sungyeol."

"You're the one who wanted to talk." Sungyeol said and shrank back when Sunggyu raised an eye brow at him.

"What happened to your wrist?" Sunggyu asked. Sungyeol pursed his lip, not knowing how to answer. "Was it him?"

Sungyeol shook his head.

"Who was it? Did you do that to yourself?"

Sungyeol shook his head again.

"Then who did it?"

Sungyeol finally raised his eyes and met Sunggyu's. 

"I asked him to do it."

The kettle began to whistle so Sunggyu's attention was stolen for a minute as he pulled out the can of cocoa and some sugar and placed on the table with the cups. As he prepared the drink, he spoke.

"So what happened?" Sunggyu asked.

"He did it wrong." Sungyeol said, staring at Sunggyu's back. He watched as his body moved around as he made the cocoa shoulders tensing and relaxing as he raised and lowered his hand. Hands that had grasped Sungyeol's neck tightly till his eyes almost popped out. Hands that had held him down, just right and began his confusion.

"What do you mean?" Sunggyu asked, turning around with both cups.

"He's supposed to hold me down... a certain way." He could see Sunggyu was confused as he dropped a cup in front of him. Sungyeol put his hands on the cup and welcomed the warmth. "His hands? They remind me of..." Sungyeol trailed off as his eyes fell to Sunggyu's hands that were holding his cup as well. "So I have him hold me down sometimes."

"How did he do it wrong?"

Sungyeol hated that Sunggyu sounded so understanding. He wasn't going to complain about it, but he hated it with all his heart. As long as a certain person called Woohyun was alive, all Sungyeol would ever get was Sunggyu's understanding. No one else existed in Sunggyu's world and more often than not, it was a little disgusting to watch. And even though Sunggyu tried not to rub it in their faces or tried not to show favorites, his adoration of his Nam Tree always seemed to seep through everything he did.

"I slept in the bathroom, last night. I was puking in the toilet."

"I know." Sunggyu sipped his drink.

"But he had to use the bathroom this morning and he saw me. He cleaned me up and made me brush my teeth." Sungyeol pursed, unsure how to proceed.

"You don't have to be shy if you had sex, Yeolie."

"We didn't..." Sungyeol said waving defensively, because they'd honestly never. In the seven months when everyone had made assumptions and commented about them. Sungyeol had never even let him. He couldn't.

"I'm not judging."

"We've never had sex." Sungyeol admitted as surprise flooded Sunggyu's face. "Not once."

"But we've... heard stuff." Sunggyu said. "Everyone has."

"I'm saving myself." 

"What does that have to do with what happened in the bathroom?"

Sungyeol fought the heat rising up his neck but he knew he was failing when he noticed Sunggyu's eyes trailing the blush he dreaded.

"You can tell me anything." Sunggyu urged.

"I usually have him hold me. On my neck." Sungyeol's hand raised to his neck. "And on my wrists. Sometimes he holds me above my wrist."

"You asked for that?" Sunggyu asked.

"Yes. It calms me."

"O...kay." Sunggyu nodded, slipping on his leader-face that he used when he was trying to be accepting.

"He got shakey. His hand slipped on my neck just as it got good." Sungyeol scoffed. "He knows I can't handle that. The first time he did it..." Sungyeol couldn't continue because the first time it'd happened, he'd been on the brink of happiness and had it snatched away so quickly the moment he was forced to realize that it was someone else and not Sunggyu Sungyeol had had his first episode. He'd cried and cried till the other members came to find them huddled together on his bunk, either of them unable to admit or explain what they'd been doing.

"So his hand slipped today?" Sungyeol nodded. "And then what happened?"

"I snapped at him. I asked him to get out."

"Did he do it on purpose?" Sunggyu asked.

"No. But I'd told him what to do."

Sungyeol defended, waiting in silence for Sunggyu to set him straight and send him to bed.

"You can't be mean to the maknae." Sunggyu advised and Sungyeol felt worse at his calm voice. "You asked him to do it so he was doing you a favor."

"I know. But whenever it happens, all I can think of is what the original feels like."

"Who's the original?"

"Not important."

Sungyeol knew that it really wasn't. He wasn't lying. And he wasn't complaining. He would apologize to the maknae in the morning and buy him something nice. Because when next his craving came around, he was going to need a fix.

"Drink your cocoa, Yeolie." Sunggyu said, as Sungyeol drank from his cup. "You're going to treat the maknae to a good meal. Hear me?" 

Sungyeol nodded.

They spent the next ten minutes in silence as they finished their drink and Sunggyu escorted him to his room before he returned to his and Woohyun's room.

Sungyeol lay awake thinking, ears blocked by Howon's headphones as he listened to music. He remembered what had happened that first time and it hurt because it hadn't even meant anything. Sunggyu's anger and strength -the two things that had excited him- were not even directed at Sungyeol. He'd only been a victim of transferred aggression as a moment of regular lip that would have normally been ignored, had caused Sunggyu to pounce on him in anger. He had later learnt that SUnggyu was already pissed at something Woohyun had done.

His anger had had nothing to do with Sungyeol.

_"Everything I gave to you was not all for you_

_It was just for me to feel nothing_

_Everything that was given to you... that wasn’t love._

_I just wanted to believe that that we were in touch."_

Sungyeol did not know when he'd drifted off to sleep. He did not even know when he'd begun crying.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know what this was


End file.
